{Being a mom}

Man, being a mom is hard. I have so many emotions going on right now. I miss shane.  I am discovering a lot about myself right now, etc. I feel like as the past few years have gone by that my patience has been getting thinner and thinner. It's been frustrating because i don't like it. I don't like lacking patience. I don't like feeling irritable and grumpy at the kids as often as i do. I don't like HEARING myself repeat the same things over and over and over again. I don't want to hear myself. By the end of a day i feel like i had a mental and emotional battle.  And when it's with the people i love the most it really makes me feel so bad and guilty and frustrated and seriously so tired and worn out. I don't feel this way everyday, but often enough that it bugs me.
I hear that boys are tougher at this age than girls are. I hope this is true. That means as they get older it might get a little easier(crossing fingers).  All i can say is i remember what i was like as a teenager and i am glad i don't have a girl. :) Although if i had one i would be glad i had one. Anyway, you know what i am saying here. I can definitely say that these boys give me a run for my money. They are non-stop energy, crazy, wrestling, get down and dirty boys. Sometimes there is just TOO much boy around here. It's exhausting.  They just want to wrestle, tear things apart, and eat all day long. They want to DO DO DO all day. phew.
I feel like i had gotten to a point where i wasn't enjoying being a mom. I think we will always go through this stage every few years with kids. Usually at a new stage. I remember not enjoying being a mom right after Tanner was born. Gavin was just barely entering his terrible two's.  It was a REALLY hard time in my life at that point. I felt like the only thing Gavin knew how to do was whine and cry. Honestly, he is really good at whining. hahaha! That's a whole other story though. BUT i have been feeling exhausted. I have been feeling like there is so much for me to do and i can't seem to find the time to enjoy my kids amongst it all. And when i did get the time to sit down, i just wanted to sit and rest and not do anything. And then i would feel bad at the end of the day.  It had been getting to a point where i was getting really frustrated at myself.
I have been praying and praying for patience and praying to ENJOY my kids MORE.  I feel like i have found it. Hopefully it's not temporary. Something about Shane leaving made me find it.  So, i am grateful that this is what needed to happen in order for me to get it back. I think being put in this situation kind of makes you step up your game. Sort of like i HAVE to otherwise it will fall apart. Well, maybe i need to have this mindset ALWAYS, even when shane is here. I should always be stepping up my game. Who knew that stepping up my game would make me happier and make life easier? I just thought it would make me more worn out, but it hasn't.  So, i am changing my mindframe and i am going to keep this mindset and try to keep my game UP. :) 
I really have been enjoying the kids. We have been doing lots of things together.  My patience is making life so much easier too. LIKE when Jaydon had a couple complete meltdowns today screaming at the top of his lungs and kicking his legs at me. There are times where it would infuriate me. But i kind of just was like, whatever. He calmed down quickly and always does when i don't really react to his tantrums.
Tanner was pretty upset tonight about daddy being gone. He was crying and saying he missed daddy and asking when he is coming home. And he said "i just love him so much."  He cried in my arms. I felt so sad for him and i wanted to start crying. The poor thing. They both came down after i put them to bed and were upset. "I am worried about daddy. I feel like something happened." They start crying as they tell me this.  I was thinking, "man, i can't imagine if he got deployed. These boys would really struggle."  Although i was wanting to cry when they told me this, but i can't. I just needed to make them feel better. I grabbed their hands and walked them upstairs and hugged them and told them they will see daddy in TWO days and how soon it is. They were scared and didn't want to sleep in the dark, so i turned on the hall light and left the door in a crack. After i did that and started leaving Gavin said, "Mom, thanks for helping us feel better." And tanner said, "Yeah, thank you mom." That's when i realized, i really need to make sure they always feel that love and comfort from me. I need to make sure i give them time and love all the time, like i have been doing the past few days. That's what it's all about. It can be easy to not do what i know i need to do. I just have to keep doing it til it becomes a habit and then that habit teaches me to enjoy and love it.
AND i am loving taking them to do fun things with me. I never have mommy and son dates.  And although i have all three of them, which doesn't qualify for a one on one date, it still feels like it to me. If i have all three with just me, it's usually for something like  basketball or school(something busy in life), but it's rare that i have all three. And even more rare that when i have all three that we are doing something FUN with just mommy. Man, you all are going to think i am a terrible mom.
Anyway, this experience is teaching me a lot about what kind of mom i want to be and teaching me love and patience. Something i have been praying for for awhile. Who knew it would come in a moment like this.