{A nEW yEAR ...is ThaT SUpposed TO BE Good?}

Here is Jaydon's new thing as of the last month or so. I go in his room in the morning to get him out of bed and i often find him with his pajamas off OR tangled around him in some weird way. This is one example. When he is poopy he tells me by pulling his diaper and saying" poop". He doesn't like being poopy. Here is Tanner....we enjoy our days by eating, playing games, watching movies, and playing with toys and learning new things...like writing and spelling his name is one thing he is achieving right now. AND with tanner, i can't dress him. He has to dress himself. And often, for lounge wear around the house he puts on summer clothes. "It's too cold to wear that", i say to him often, but he doesn't care. The other morning he came to me shivering telling me he is cold. So i brought him in his room and got him some sweat pants and a sweater and put socks on him. I told him that this is how we dress when it's cold out. He smiled and i suddenly became a genius in his eyes. :) haha! BUT now i need to work on convincing him to stop wearing flip flops in 40 degree weather.

Life is going to be hard this year. For both shane and I. I already am looking forward to a new year. :) Well, not quite, but you know what i mean. Shane is really busy. When i say that, you may have no idea what i am talking about. It's not a good thing by any means. I feel like a single mom MOST days and shane gets run down big time from work.

I was talking to him the other day about how it can be really hard to be here all alone. He heads out in the morning at about 6:30a.m. and he gets home at like 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. The boys go to bed at about 7:00, if i am at my end OR 7:30 if i am okay. :) So, i don't make shane help me in the evenings to put them to bed and do the bed routine b/c he just walked in the door, exhausted and hungry. I am not gonna make him do that when he is already so tired. Then he is in bed by 8:30 or 9:00 b/c he was up by 5:00 a.m. b/c that's when he usually wakes up to get things done in the morning before he goes to work. But that doesn't include the waking moments before that. For example, Last night he woke up at 3:00 a.m. He showered and did a few things and came back to bed for about an hour and a half. He woke up at 5:00 a.m. and was out the door at 6:30 a.m. He is very restless in the night. He wakes up all over the place! haha!

On top of his busy schedule, i have to be gone wednesday nights, he is gone tuesday nights teaching institute... i am gone for a few hours after church is over at meetings and such. And this year is busy busy with the young women. We have lots of traveling to do to OKC for various things, which is a 2 1/2 hour drive. We have to drive an hour to the stake center for various meetings and 2 1/2 to the temple and other gatherings for the youth and surrounding areas. Lots of those drives will be happening on saturdays and they are all day events. And the problem with that could be that shane will be doing lots of work on saturdays too. I don't like an overly busy life...and the thing is, i know when enough is enough. If Young Women gets too busy and i can't do the drives then i won't. My family comes first. At the same time, i know the Lord will help us find a way to make things work out the way they should.

Anyway, I was expressing my exhaustion the other day to shane about how it's tiring being a single mom. I don't have family around like lots of people around here do. I don't have family who can watch my kids when i need a break. I don't have family to call for help when one child is puking and i have to get the other one to school, hoping that the other doesn't puke on the drive there or back. I don't have family to call when i need to go to the OBGYN...instead i have to take my two little boys along. I don't have relief. One relief i do have is staying close to the Lord through prayer and reading. That gives me strength that i otherwise don't have. I always notice a difference when i do those things each morning,versus the mornings i forget. Anyway, I don't call friends b/c they are all so busy as well and have their own lives. It isn't like it was in cleveland where you all understood you could call each other for help...it was an understanding there. Everyone relied on everyone. It made it easy. It isn't like that here. Anyway, i realize this, and i realize i need to buck up b/c that's my life and i need to deal with it. At least one good thing i know i get out of this is the learning and growing. Big time growing. I know this is making me strong. It's making me grow and giving me experience. I am learning to get along all on my own. It can be done. :) But it's not something that i would want to last for too long. :) Let's hope that shane never gets deployed for six months. I guess i am getting the experience and understanding of what it would be like from the experience here, but still, that would be tons harder b/c i wouldn't have him holding me at night in bed and i wouldn't have his warmth and smile help comfort my heart knowing he is here with me.

Last night i was doing the usual routine. Night time is hard b/c i am usually so ready for the boys to get to bed, but we have to do our usual routine....We ate dinner, then we have to get their pj's on, then we have to read, then we have to pray, then we have to brush teeth, bathe, etc. I am doing this when shane walks in. I was feeling tired. BUT something changed in my mood when i saw him....

He walked in last night with a mood like i havent' ever really seen from him. He was truly emotionally exhausted and beat down. He was beat down. He was drowning and felt like he was.

Listening to his story made me feel like i don't have it so bad. Like i should feel lucky for the situation i am in at home. That what i have to do REALLY IS NOT as tiring as i think it is. That i am being a big baby.

He vented for a few hours about everything at work. He is exhausted and he still has 6-7 more months of this. I felt so bad for him. Truly. I wish i could make it better for him. I do.

I am not going to feel bad for being tired anymore b/c i know he is working harder than i am. I know he is. And knowing that makes me realize i have it good. He is dealing with crap that i wouldn't want to touch. And i am glad i don't have to.

I do know he will come out of this a different person. How could he not?

So, this year is going to be tough on both of us, but we have made it through so many challenges already in our seven years, that this is just another one we have to make it through together. We have to help each other. We will grow through this and learn from this and grow closer together b/c of it.

Let's just say, i cannot wait for July to get here. And i can't wait b/c i want to see my husband relaxed and at ease. I don't like to see him like i saw last night. Six more months and he is free from school forever. Unfortunately, those six months for him will feel like 2-3 years.

Hey, mom and dad....why don't you come visit in February for awhile?!?! :) AND in march. :)