Friendship....it's complicated. I am opening up here about my feelings, and this is something i don't like doing. But i gotta do it. Face my fears, right?! Well, i am going to try to type this in a good detailed way so that you can understand. My question to you is... What makes you find a good connection with others? What does someone have that makes you want to be buddy buddy with them? I feel like i do something wrong. Do i give off the wrong impression about myself? Are people misunderstanding me? Do i give off the wrong appearance? I feel like people might see me in a way that i am not. Maybe it's not even that. Maybe i think i am doing something wrong, but that isn't the case at all...? ugh. I don't know. I like having friends. I like connecting with people, BUT i feel like most girls don't see me as someone that they could be good friends with. OR maybe i have it all wrong. Maybe it's the other way around. Maybe i don't see most girls as someone i could be good friends with. ? To be honest with you, i do have a hard time finding a good good friend. Don't get me wrong, i have a BEST friend who is like a sister to me. We have been friends since 6th grade. She REALLY feels like my sister. The problem is that we don't live close. It would be great to find a friend who lived close that i could drop by and just hang out, and she felt like she could do the same. Someone who understands me and i understand her. My best friend lauri understands me. I am not one who LIKES to talk on the phone, so sometimes i struggle to pick up the phone or struggle to call her back. She doesn't get offended by it b/c she knows how i am. She knows i still love her even though it might take me a week too long to call her back. :) She knows me. Maybe the problem is that i take a while to open up to people. It takes awhile for me to show them my WHOLE sekf, and to really feel like i can TRUST that person to let them into my life to know me well. I think i am so cautious b/c i've experienced letting people in and getting burned...a lot. OR i am afraid to show my complete WHOLE self for fear that when people learn all sides of me they won't like me. Let me tell you who i am with the people who know me BEST. Sarcastic, LOUD(yup), fun, caring, understanding, sometimes crude and gross(believe it or not), sometimes not quite a lady like most women are "supposed" to be, WEIRD, and dorky. If you are family or have known me well enough to get to see me like that then you know what i mean. My husband has seen it best. He can attest to how i am. :) BUT i am not sure i want him to spill the beans on that one. :) I know that everyone is like that in a way....that everyone doesn't completely open up to everyone who they TRULY are upon first meeting them. BUT i do know a lot of girls who just throw at you exactly who they are right from the beginning. I wish i could do that. I wish i could show my fun, loud, sarcastic, dorky, weird side, but i feel like i can't. Isn't that horrible?! On the other side, i am not saying i am FAKE with people who don't know me well. What most people see is me, my softer side. That is real too. Trust me. Everything you see IS real. I just wish i could open up and show my whole self without being afraid to show it. When i say crude....i don't necessarily mean that i am just gross with my talk. I am not. It's talking about those things that people might find "gross", but isn't gross to me. It's normal to me. I grew up in an OPEN family...we can talk about alot of things....therefore it's normal to me. BUT i still have sensitive ears when it comes to certain things, don't get me wrong.
As far as finding a "connection" with someone.... i have had a few, but not many. There is a lady in our ward here...the bishop's wife. :) She is someone i feel like i could talk to for hours upon hours. I LOVE talking with her. I connected with her. BUT how do i hang out with a lady who is the bishop's wife, has nine kids who are already out of the house....?? haha. I have a great connection with my best friend, of course! And i found a great connection with a couple girls in Cleveland. They were someone who i felt like i could talk to about LOTS of things too. We had a great connection. All these women are someone i found a great connection with. They are genuine, real, and someone i feel like isn't judging me and won't judge me. Someone who will be honest with me. Someone i know i can trust. Someone who will be my friend to my face and behind my back when i am not around. And i would do the same for them. I naturally gravitate to those kind of people. Anyway, maybe i am just not like other girls who can become best friends with everyone all in one day. And maybe that is okay. I guess i am out for more quality, than quantity. You knowwhat ? this is helping me figure things out about myself by typing all this out. I realize, i am out for more quality stuff. I like to find a deep connection. I like to have deep conversations. Not all the time. But once in awhile. That is how i find my connections. Anyway, it takes me awhile sometimes to open up with people, and maybe people can see that and they don't like that, so they don't really see me as someone they could become good friends with b/c i do have that little wall up that might take awhile to come down. I guess friendships are a lot like a relationship b/w husband and wife. Some people want the connection quick. I usually don't find the QUICK connection.
The reason i brought all this up is b/c when i know i am the ONLY one being left out of my group of friends it makes me sad. It hurts my feelings. I understand if you find a connection with just one person in your group of friends and split from the group. BUT when you are the ONLY one left out...yeah. It hurts. And i wonder what the heck i am doing wrong. I feel like i have felt that a lot. And i must be getting to a point where i am sick of it and feel like opening up about it to see how everyone else feels with all this friendship stuff. Every girl needs and wants to find a connection with other women.
It's interesting b/c i have felt many times when i first met someone that we could become good friends. And i remember saying to shane that i could see "her and i becoming good friends". BUT then nothing comes of it. We hang out a few times, but then that's it. But there have been some who i didn't think i could be good friends with who i ended up being good friends with. Funny how that works, huh?
Maybe i shouldn't let it bother me. BUT we all need friends. And until i figure out the friendship thing it will always be something i am working at until i figure it out. :)
So, i am curious. What kind of first impression i give off. It's funny b/c when you are doing something WRONG in a relationship you can talk about it. You can go to the person and confront them and say "what am i doing wrong" and they will tell you. You can't do that with friends as well, especially when you don't know them that well. So, i am asking you....and tell me HONESTLY....what was your FIRST impression of me? Also, how did you VIEW me AFTER we started hanging out more and became friends? I am starting to wonder if anyone reads my blog anymore, so i am not sure i will get many responses, but i really want to know. Basically, i want to know what i am doing wrong. How do you become good friends with someone?
5 years ago
10 comments:
Ashley--I wish we had become better friends in Cleveland! I think I am a lot like you in a lot of ways... I am not an extrovert, I mostly keep to myself, BUT I also want people to talk with, be crazy with, and to say last minute... hey... I'm going to the store, wanna' go with me? Or will you go on a walk with me? Or--can I come over? I want a great friendship, but not an overcrowding one, all at the same time. I just think it takes a while to get comfortable around people.... I often don't know the right thing to say, and then I worry that I said something dumb.
I think you are an intimidating person! You are gorgeous, you come off as very confident, and you seem to have it all together. All of those things are good qualities to have... I think it just might take a while for girls to get to know that while you ARE those things, you are friendly, too!
Moving is hard. We've been here for 10 months, and I am just starting to feel like I have a few friends in the ward with whom I can have more in-depth conversations. I have been afraid to invite people over, and I am finally getting over that. I think that inviting people into your life/home helps to speed the process along as well. I hope you find some good friends soon because I know your hubby is very busy, and I know that sometimes adult interaction can be such a saving grace!! Good luck!
I agree with Jen you are intimidating. I always thought you were "too good" to be my friend. Silly hu? I'm not saying that you are snobbish (is that a word?) because you really aren't. I really like you and think you are a wonderful person! Funny because Jason I were talking about this tonight, wondering what impression we give off to people. We've never really had any close, close friends while living in Cleveland and wonder why that is. I just think it's harder to form close friendships the older you get and more involved you get with your kids. There isn't as much time to just hang out and get to know other people. I think that women in general are just really hard on ourselves and compare ourselves to others so much that we second guess ourselves all the time. Making it hard to let others in close enough because were afraid they'll see our flaws and not like us, or judge us. Does that make sense? Anyway, good luck you are wonderful just be yourself and I'm sure you'll make good friends soon!
Ash, I just love ya. You actually got me a little teary eyed. :) You are the BEST friend someone could ever ask for and I'm so blessed to have had you around for the last 18 years...(yeah, it's been THAT long! yikes! haha). I wish that EVERYONE could know you like I know you. (Then again, I'm glad that WE have that relationship! Selfish, huh!!) You are hilarious, thoughtful, loving, sensitive, smart, goofy, trustworthy, sweet, spiritual, supportive...among MANY other fabulous qualities!
You know what I've come to realize...when we were younger (highschool, college), it was so much easier to make friends, BUT think of all the HOURS and HOURS we spent around those people! AND we didn't have huge commitments like kids, a husband, a house to take care of, etc. NOW....we have ALL those commitments and everyone else does to, so it takes TEN TIMES longer to get to know someone really well. We just don't have the free time to spend around other people and get to know them. I don't know if I explained that well, but when I think about that, I realize that we probably ALL are thinking the same thing! "I would LOVE to have a friend who I felt close with!" The girls in my old ward were really close and such great friends, but I realized they had all lived there for ten or so years! I think that's another thing that's hard. Sometimes when you know you are going to be moving in a couple years, we don't open up as much or maybe put in the time to get to know other people. At least, I know I don't. I think the older we get, it IS definitely more about quality than quantity. I SO WISH WE LIVED CLOSER! Problem solved! :) Just know, it's NOT YOU! I really think the majority of us feel the same way! LOVE YOU!
One more thing...something we've done lately is have two couples over for dinner/game night. I think the pressure is taken off when it's not just ONE couple coming over. Between six adults, conversation seems to flow more and we've had so much fun with that. Now, we hang out with the same two couples and have started rotating houses each month. All the kids go play and we have fun for a few hours. For some reason, I feel like having my husband around makes me feel like I can be myself more AND it's fun to see other couples interacting (realizing how alike you are!). When the wives are friends AND the husbands are friends, I think it's easier to get together and bond. Anyway, that just popped in my head and I thought I'd suggest it. You and Shane are both SO much fun to hang out with. I think a couple's night is in order!!! (You could keep it simple and do a dessert/game night!)
Lauri, you ROCK. Great advice! thank you! You too Bridi and Jen! This is helping me feel a little better!
It's interesting that you, Jen, and bridi thought i was intimidating. I told shane and we both looked at each other like "what? you? me? intimidating?! huh?" I never would have guessed that i was an intimidating person. I have had one other person tell me they thought i was snobby. I really hope i don't come across that way. I think my shyness can be mistaken for that too often. I am more of an introvert than an extrovert too. ANYWAY, thanks so much ladies for your wisdom and advice.
Lauri, i love you. thanks so much for being my bestest friend and sticking by me through everything. I really hope i have been the friend for you like you have been for me! :)
P.S. I do not think you are at all snobby. I hope that isn't the way you took it. You are just so pretty, and well put together. I think the world of you. I thought you were intimidating because you had so many good qualities not because you acted stuck up in any way.
Ditto Ashlee! Honestly, when you were in Cleveland, I thought you and I would be great friends and I am so sorry I didn't do anything more! Like Bridi said, I think it is hard when kids get involved and we can't be as spontaneous with our activities. I think I also thought you already had a close circle of friends. Ah well. If we ever live n the same city again, let's be great friends! :) Miss ya!
Ash, I have often felt that you and I were so similar...and we have talked about it before. We come across as a snob, just because we are a little shy. VERY FEW people know the real me. Pretty much my siblings, a couple friends from high school (and even they don't know me as an adult), Jeremy and a few friends from Cleveland. I have never been someone who liked to have a huge group of friends that were all super close. In high school, I did have a big group of friends, but really only a couple of them were people I hung out with outside of school. Make sense? I don't like a bunch of people knowing my personal thoughts and feelings, which is why visiting teaching for me is uncomfortable. Unless my visiting teachers are my good friends, I am not going to tell them anything because in reality they aren't the ones I am going to call if I need anything. For me, I just need a few REALLY close friends. I like to have girls night out and those conversations are fun. I agree with your friend that you should have a game night with 2 different couples. You get to know them better and it isn't awkward.
For me, there are very few people that I "click" with. And by that I mean, Jeremy would get along with the husband AND the wife and I would get along with the wife AND husband. Plus, it always helps when the kids are all relatively the same age and can get along. I am not someone that can just get along with everyone...one of my many flaws. I need to have an instant connection with someone in order for me to want to pursue getting to know them. I feel like I am a pretty hard person to get to know, which makes things really hard sometimes, but I don't feel like I am a "needy" type of person that just can't function without always having a friend to hang out with.
I have to agree with everyone else and say that you do come across as very confident in what you want and what you know. You seem to be very busy all the time, which might make people feel as though you probably don't have time for them. You should not take that negatively, those are very strong qualities. It's just hard to make yourself vulnerable to others.
I just feel like when it comes to deep friendship, you can't force it. It is either there or it isn't. Yes, you can be casual friends with many people, but the deep, lasting friendship is natural. When you find it, it just feels normal, like you have known them forever. When I meet someone, I get a feel of whether I can see myself wanting to REALLY let them into my life. I feel like friendship comes really easy to some people and not so easy for others, and that is okay. Everyone has their different strengths.
I know it is very hurtful when you are the ONLY one not invited to something. I have been there many times in my life, but I am SURE no one meant to hurt your feelings. They know your husband is busy and that you have 3 little boys to take care of. Still, not an excuse for at least inviting you, but try to think of the positive?? There were many things that I wasn't invited to. I worked when Bailey was little, so usually I didn't want to go anywhere in the evenings because I wanted to spend that precious time with my baby girl and Jeremy, so I wouldn't have gone to the activity anyway...but still it did hurt my feelings that I wasn't at least given the opportunity. I sympathize with you, but really it isn't you. As hard as it is, you can't take it as meaning something is wrong with you. Because we all know that isn't true. If it were, you wouldn't have ANY close friends! And since we all love you, you can rest assure that you are a great friend!
Bridi, i totally understand what you were saying. And i know that isn't what you meant. :)
Hatsuho, you are great. Thanks for your comment.
Nancy, thank you. I appreciate what you said. :) And you are right, i do think we are a lot alike. :)
Ash, You guys just need to move here and we will be great friends!:) I honestly think it is a natural thing for girls to get vibes the first time they meet someone and then pass judgements about that person. It is natural to believe that someone as beautiful as you must be in a whole other "league" I guess you could say. But it isn't anything that you do wrong...trust me. I honestly think that it is other people thinking that they aren't good enough to be your friend. This has happened so many times to me that you wouldn't believe it. I mean so many people think I am gorgeous beyond measure they don't know what to do. hahaha. It's actually the other way around...I see someone that is pretty and I instantly pass some type of judgement that they must be high maintenance and stuck up. But once I get to know that person I realize that I was completely wrong and they have so much more to offer. Just keep showing who you are and people will be drawn to you. You are amazing chica, keep your head up and smile for the whole world to see! :) LOVE YOU!
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